This is not who i want to be...
The constant thinking, the over analyzing, the worst case scenario building, the chronic dissatisfaction...

If you look at my life right now, there is absolutely no reason why I should be going through this. Things are working for me...more or less. I have managed to come out of the whirlpool that my life was at this very moment, about a year and a half back…something that I had never thought was possible at that time. I have this fantastic bunch of friends , am one year into my Masters program and haven’t done too bad at that , am interning with a fantastic organization, living at home with my parents for these two months...every damn thing I can think of is working for me right now…Well, almost.

And yet, there is this constant dissatisfaction, the eerie feeling that things arent right.The perpetual worry about me not performing well enough in my summers’, of not being good enough, the constant fight to outdo myself , the nerve wracking conversations that I have with myself…the doubt.

There is a smile on the outside. The smile of a self assured person. And the mannerisms of someone who knows what she is doing. And that’s the biggest irony…Because every time I put up that farce , there is a voice that speaks up..Who are you kidding dude…

And then it dawns on me that..
at the very moment that I am being this smart person on the outside…
inside…something is lost. something is dying.