Life is strange. It takes the most unexpected turn when you least expect it to and lands you up somewhere you had never thought you would go...it takes you there...and drops you in the ditch...leaving you to fend for yourself. And there you are , with not a clue of how you got there and before you know it , you are swimming against the tide for survival...

When the hurt and the rage inside subsides , when all that had to happen has happened , when you finally realize it is time to hang your shoes because there is no way you can fight any more...there comes a time when it dawns on you that you are in this alone...that no matter what happens , no one is going to fight your battles. that whether you are going to sink or swim is nobody's business but your own.that whatever is happening to you will change you whether or not you like it.

And in that moment , you finally let go of your guard and stop pretending that you are fine.

That , i concede to be my greatest achievement in the past few days. And my most liberating moment.

Things have been rough for some time now. I have lost friends , been accused of being a million things by the people closest to me , been bitched about at odd hours in a shady bar on the Bombay Pune highway, gone from being best friends to being strangers in the same room , have fought , reconciled and fought again.

That is a snapshot of my life in lately.

Scary , confusing , hurtful and a constant dull ache inside...

Today i am going to be quiet

Not because I have said enough , but because I dont know what to say anymore

Today you are going to listen

Not because you think its worth listening to , but because you would rather have me talk than you think

A random order destroyed

An old comfort snatched away

A tussle between the good and the bad

A fire that couldn't be kept at bay

In a melee of these events

An askew life takes shape

Filling up the spaces

That got eroded yesterday

And the new is recreated

In the backdrop of the old

But flippant fate a reminder yet again

That what is might not quite be.

Peace isn’t a permanent state, it exists in moments - fleeting - gone before we even knew it was there. We can experience it at any time, in the strangest act of kindness, a task that requires complete focus, or simply the comfort of an old routine. Everyday we all experience these moments of peace - the trick is to know when they’re happening so we can embrace them, live in them - and finally, let them go.

Grey's Anatomy S06

This is not who i want to be...
The constant thinking, the over analyzing, the worst case scenario building, the chronic dissatisfaction...

If you look at my life right now, there is absolutely no reason why I should be going through this. Things are working for me...more or less. I have managed to come out of the whirlpool that my life was at this very moment, about a year and a half back…something that I had never thought was possible at that time. I have this fantastic bunch of friends , am one year into my Masters program and haven’t done too bad at that , am interning with a fantastic organization, living at home with my parents for these two months...every damn thing I can think of is working for me right now…Well, almost.

And yet, there is this constant dissatisfaction, the eerie feeling that things arent right.The perpetual worry about me not performing well enough in my summers’, of not being good enough, the constant fight to outdo myself , the nerve wracking conversations that I have with myself…the doubt.

There is a smile on the outside. The smile of a self assured person. And the mannerisms of someone who knows what she is doing. And that’s the biggest irony…Because every time I put up that farce , there is a voice that speaks up..Who are you kidding dude…

And then it dawns on me that..
at the very moment that I am being this smart person on the outside…
inside…something is lost. something is dying.

No. you dont matter. Not once more.Not any more.

I can do fine. Thank You.

Its only when the ‘light’ fades away...
Do you realize its intensity
And the power it had
Over your being

And when the dust settles down eventually...
You find your new home
And then comes the revelation
That the ‘dark’ is the place you want to be in

But life is hardly lived at these two extreme ends...
More often than not
The pendulum swings in between
And that is where the pain lies
Of not knowing where you are

So how much of progress have you exactly made if you have come to the same place as before? Whats with all the effort that you put in ? Did you lie to yourself when you were having a good time? Why are you going through all of this ? What is going to happen to the cherished dream ? the happy face ? the optimistic desire ?

What the hell is going on?

return

Been more than 2 months since i last wrote on this blog...Sometimes, due to lack of inclination , sometimes , because of the sheer paucity of time coupled with the mindfullness of the course and the inability to retain others thoughts in the head. There have been uncountable times when i have had something pressing to write..to take it all out..to give a vent to my confusion ..but havent been able to ..because no words would form . It would all stay in the mind..nebulous, discrete...and all -pervading...
So it'll be three months here in Bombay soon. Three months of living a new life and adjusting to a new place and new people. Three months are not enough..Heck..sometimes even three years arent. More on this later.
Update for now - I am taking it , each day , one at a day...Breaking and Mending...
..and the cycle continues..

Long you live and high you fly

And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry

And all you touch and all you see

Is all your life will ever be

Breathe by Pink Floyd